The Most Interesting Predictions In The World

Many baseball writers unveiled their 2013 predictions this week in a typical, generic format. I prefer to stray from the norm, so I thought, “What aspects can I add to ordinary conjecture to make this more attractive to the average reader?” Uhh, hello — gambling lines, haikus and obscure athlete references, of course. Without further ado, The Most Interesting Predictions In The World: 2013 MLB Edition.


1. Detroit Tigers

Vegas win line: 92.5

Prediction: Over

Random Tiger: Bobby Higginson

Pressing question: They can get by with a closer-by-committee for now, but what about in October?


Third straight M-V-P?

No, but one award for sure

Verlander Cy Young

2. Cleveland Indians

Vegas win line: 78.5

Prediction: Over

Random Indian: Bill Selby

Pressing question: What will this starting rotation look like in September? (My guess: Masterson-Bauer-Kazmir-Carrasco-Jimenez)


Playoffs seemed impossible

To the loftiest wisher

But along came Tito

And Bourn and Swisher

3. Kansas City Royals

Vegas win line: 78.5

Prediction: Over

Random Royal: Jeff King

Pressing question: How good is the rotation really if it includes Jeremy Guthrie and Ervin Santana?


Are they better? Sure

But everything’s relative

Eighty wins: good start

4. Chicago White Sox

Vegas win line: 81.5

Prediction: Under

Random White Sock: Joe Crede

Pressing question: As has been the case for the last six decades, will this be the year Gordon Beckham breaks out?


It’s hard to predict

What will happen in Old Comiskey

But by September, the fans

Will be hitting the whiskey

5. Minnesota Twins

Vegas win line: 68.5

Prediction: Under

Random Twin: Denny Hocking

Pressing question: Could I be the No. 3 starter on this club?


Pitching wins titles

Vance Worley is the Twins’ ace

End of discussion


1. Toronto Blue Jays

Vegas win line: 88.5

Prediction: Over

Random Blue Jay: Dave Berg

Pressing questions: Aboot how many home runs can we expect from Bautista with some protection around him, eh?


Sizing up this division

Can be somewhat tricky

But Toronto comes first

Thanks to knucklers from Dickey

2. Tampa Bay Rays

Vegas win line: 87.5

Prediction: Over

Random Ray: Kevin Stocker

Pressing question: Will the Rays’ patchwork bullpen ever fall apart?


Every single year

The same story in Tampa

Maddon gets it done

3. New York Yankees

Vegas win line: 84.5

Prediction: Under

Random Yankee: Shane Spencer

Pressing question: Anyone know the name of a good nursing home in the Bronx for the Yankees’ wounded elderly?


Murderer’s Row this is not,

As far as I can tell

Replaced are Ruth and Gehrig

With Youkilis, Hafner and Wells

4. Boston Red Sox

Vegas win line: 82.5

Prediction: Under

Random Red Sock: Brian Daubach

Pressing questions: Will the fried chicken and beer jokes ever die out?


Shane Victorino

Will earn a lot of money

While on the decline

5. Baltimore Orioles

Vegas win line: 78.5

Prediction: Under

Random Oriole: Jeff Reboulet

Pressing question: Can this team repeat its magical run of 2012? Wouldn’t bet against Buck … but I will.


Will this team again

Dominate in one-run games?

Mathematics: No


1. Los Angeles Angels

Vegas win line: 91.5

Prediction: Over

Random Angel: Ben Weber

Pressing question: Could Jered Weaver win 25 games?


It’s easy to figure out

What this team’s all about

Sure there’s Pujols and Hamilton

But it all starts with Trout

2. Oakland Athletics

Vegas win line: 84.5

Prediction: Over

Random Athletic: Frank Menechino

Pressing question: How the hell does this team do it?


If pitching is key

The A’s will be just dandy

Watch for Cespedes

3. Texas Rangers

Vegas win line: 86.5

Prediction: Under

Random Ranger: Rusty Greer

Pressing question: How can they find a way to get Jurickson Profar on the field?


Hamilton aside

Texas needed pitching help

Didn’t make a move

4. Seattle Mariners

Vegas win line: 77.5

Prediction: Under

Random Mariner: Luis Ugueto

Pressing question: How many times will manager Eric Wedge use the word “grind” this season?


Having the Astros

Certainly helps win total

But not quite enough

5. Houston Astros

Vegas win line: 59.5

Prediction: Under

Random Astro: Kirk Saarloos

Pressing question: Can you name four players on their 25-man roster?


Bo Porter is great

The talent on the roster

It is not at all


1. Washington Nationals

Vegas win line: 92.5

Prediction: Over

Random National/Expo: Brad Wilkerson

Pressing question: Could Bryce Harper, at age 20, win the NL MVP?


This Washington team

Can it win the Fall Classic?

A clown question, bro

2. Atlanta Braves

Vegas win line: 87.5

Prediction: Over

Random Brave: Keith Lockhart

Pressing question: Is the starting staff deep enough?


Everywhere you look

You see another Upton

But they don’t have Kate

3. Philadelphia Phillies

Vegas win line: 84.5

Prediction: Over

Random Phillie: Todd Pratt

Pressing question: Does Cliff Lee need to go the entire year without allowing a run to get to 10 wins?


This team could surprise people

So go place your bets

At the very least

They’ll beat up on the Marlins and Mets

4. New York Mets

Vegas win line: 74.5

Prediction: Under

Random Met: Benny Agbayani

Pressing question: How long before the Mets return to relevance?


David Wright is the new captain

So Mets fans need not panic

But he’s leading a helpless ship

Into an iceberg, like Titanic

5. Miami Marlins

Vegas win line: 63.5

Prediction: Under

Random Marlin: Armando Almanza

Pressing question: Can the Marlins match the Heat’s 27-game streak (with losses)?


Just as sure as OJ

Was riding in that white Bronco,

Your cleanup hitter shouldn’t be

37-year-old singles-hitting infielder Placido Polanco


1. Cincinnati Reds

Vegas win line: 91.5

Prediction: Over

Random Red: Corky Miller

Pressing question: Could Aroldis Chapman win the Daytona 500?


Choo will be just fine

This team has no weaknesses

Watch out for Votto

2. St. Louis Cardinals

Vegas win line: 86.5

Prediction: Over

Random Cardinal: Ray Lankford

Pressing question: Can Pete Kozma hold down the fort at shortstop all year?


The plethora of hitters

In this lineup won’t cease

No easy outs

With Craig, Beltran and Freese

3. Pittsburgh Pirates

Vegas win line: 77.5

Prediction: Under

Random Pirate: Rob Mackowiak

Pressing question: Could Pedro Alvarez hit 50 home runs?


Sorry, Pirates fans

Another year of sadness

Short of .500

4. Milwaukee Brewers

Vegas win line: 80.5

Prediction: Under

Random Brewer: Jeromy Burnitz

Pressing question: Who will regret their new partnership first, the Brewers or Kyle Lohse?


Long year for Brewers

One thing about Milwaukee

Thank goodness for beer

5. Chicago Cubs

Vegas win line: 73.5

Prediction: Under

Random Cub: Brant Brown

Pressing question: Is there a better place to watch a game than Wrigley?


This is the year

For the Siders up North

The Cubs will challenge

The Brewers for fourth


1. Los Angeles Dodgers

Vegas win line: 90.5

Prediction: Over

Random Dodger: Darren Dreifort

Pressing question: How high can their payroll go?


Out in L.A.,

Where it’s always sunny

They’ll win the division

Thanks to Magic oozing money

2. Arizona Diamondbacks

Vegas win line: 81.5

Prediction: Over

Random Diamondback: Tony Womack

Pressing question: Is Martin Prado a franchise-type player?


They are hard to gauge

Good, but not great, all around

Still, a playoff team

3. San Francisco Giants

Vegas win line: 87.5

Prediction: Under

Random Giant: Marvin Benard

Pressing question: Is there enough offense around Posey and Sandoval?


After winning two titles

Many teams get cozy

This team shall fall short

Despite that stud Posey

4. San Diego Padres

Vegas win line: 74.5

Prediction: Over

Random Padre: John Vander Wal

Pressing question: Can Chase Headley repeat his breakout season from a year ago?


When Headley and Grandal

Make triumphant returns

A bit of your respect

Bud Black’s team will earn

5. Colorado Rockies

Vegas win line: 71.5

Prediction: Under

Random Rockie: Shawn Chacon

Pressing question: How many games at Coors Field this season will feature more than 20 runs?


Last year’s pitching staff

Was downright rotten

As for adding better arms

The Rockies have forgotten


AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Tigers

NL Cy Young: Adam Wainwright, Cardinals

AL MVP: Yoenis Cespedes, Athletics

NL MVP: Joey Votto, Reds

AL Wild Card: Rays over Indians

NL Wild Card: Cardinals over D-Backs

ALDS: Tigers over Rays, Angels over Blue Jays

NLDS: Nationals over Cardinals, Reds over Dodgers

ALCS: Tigers over Angels

NLCS: Nationals over Reds

World Series: Nationals over Tigers

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