The Most Interesting Predictions In The World

Many baseball writers unveiled their 2013 predictions this week in a typical, generic format. I prefer to stray from the norm, so I thought, “What aspects can I add to ordinary conjecture to make this more attractive to the average reader?” Uhh, hello — gambling lines, haikus and obscure athlete references, of course. Without further ado, The Most Interesting Predictions In The World: 2013 MLB Edition.

AL CENTRAL

1. Detroit Tigers

Vegas win line: 92.5

Prediction: Over

Random Tiger: Bobby Higginson

Pressing question: They can get by with a closer-by-committee for now, but what about in October?

Haiku:

Third straight M-V-P?

No, but one award for sure

Verlander Cy Young

2. Cleveland Indians

Vegas win line: 78.5

Prediction: Over

Random Indian: Bill Selby

Pressing question: What will this starting rotation look like in September? (My guess: Masterson-Bauer-Kazmir-Carrasco-Jimenez)

Poem:

Playoffs seemed impossible

To the loftiest wisher

But along came Tito

And Bourn and Swisher

3. Kansas City Royals

Vegas win line: 78.5

Prediction: Over

Random Royal: Jeff King

Pressing question: How good is the rotation really if it includes Jeremy Guthrie and Ervin Santana?

Haiku:

Are they better? Sure

But everything’s relative

Eighty wins: good start

4. Chicago White Sox

Vegas win line: 81.5

Prediction: Under

Random White Sock: Joe Crede

Pressing question: As has been the case for the last six decades, will this be the year Gordon Beckham breaks out?

Poem: 

It’s hard to predict

What will happen in Old Comiskey

But by September, the fans

Will be hitting the whiskey

5. Minnesota Twins

Vegas win line: 68.5

Prediction: Under

Random Twin: Denny Hocking

Pressing question: Could I be the No. 3 starter on this club?

Haiku:

Pitching wins titles

Vance Worley is the Twins’ ace

End of discussion

AL EAST

1. Toronto Blue Jays

Vegas win line: 88.5

Prediction: Over

Random Blue Jay: Dave Berg

Pressing questions: Aboot how many home runs can we expect from Bautista with some protection around him, eh?

Poem:

Sizing up this division

Can be somewhat tricky

But Toronto comes first

Thanks to knucklers from Dickey

2. Tampa Bay Rays

Vegas win line: 87.5

Prediction: Over

Random Ray: Kevin Stocker

Pressing question: Will the Rays’ patchwork bullpen ever fall apart?

Haiku:

Every single year

The same story in Tampa

Maddon gets it done

3. New York Yankees

Vegas win line: 84.5

Prediction: Under

Random Yankee: Shane Spencer

Pressing question: Anyone know the name of a good nursing home in the Bronx for the Yankees’ wounded elderly?

Poem:

Murderer’s Row this is not,

As far as I can tell

Replaced are Ruth and Gehrig

With Youkilis, Hafner and Wells

4. Boston Red Sox

Vegas win line: 82.5

Prediction: Under

Random Red Sock: Brian Daubach

Pressing questions: Will the fried chicken and beer jokes ever die out?

Haiku:

Shane Victorino

Will earn a lot of money

While on the decline

5. Baltimore Orioles

Vegas win line: 78.5

Prediction: Under

Random Oriole: Jeff Reboulet

Pressing question: Can this team repeat its magical run of 2012? Wouldn’t bet against Buck … but I will.

Haiku:

Will this team again

Dominate in one-run games?

Mathematics: No

AL WEST

1. Los Angeles Angels

Vegas win line: 91.5

Prediction: Over

Random Angel: Ben Weber

Pressing question: Could Jered Weaver win 25 games?

Poem:

It’s easy to figure out

What this team’s all about

Sure there’s Pujols and Hamilton

But it all starts with Trout

2. Oakland Athletics

Vegas win line: 84.5

Prediction: Over

Random Athletic: Frank Menechino

Pressing question: How the hell does this team do it?

Haiku:

If pitching is key

The A’s will be just dandy

Watch for Cespedes

3. Texas Rangers

Vegas win line: 86.5

Prediction: Under

Random Ranger: Rusty Greer

Pressing question: How can they find a way to get Jurickson Profar on the field?

Haiku:

Hamilton aside

Texas needed pitching help

Didn’t make a move

4. Seattle Mariners

Vegas win line: 77.5

Prediction: Under

Random Mariner: Luis Ugueto

Pressing question: How many times will manager Eric Wedge use the word “grind” this season?

Haiku:

Having the Astros

Certainly helps win total

But not quite enough

5. Houston Astros

Vegas win line: 59.5

Prediction: Under

Random Astro: Kirk Saarloos

Pressing question: Can you name four players on their 25-man roster?

Haiku:

Bo Porter is great

The talent on the roster

It is not at all

NL EAST

1. Washington Nationals

Vegas win line: 92.5

Prediction: Over

Random National/Expo: Brad Wilkerson

Pressing question: Could Bryce Harper, at age 20, win the NL MVP?

Haiku:

This Washington team

Can it win the Fall Classic?

A clown question, bro

2. Atlanta Braves

Vegas win line: 87.5

Prediction: Over

Random Brave: Keith Lockhart

Pressing question: Is the starting staff deep enough?

Haiku:

Everywhere you look

You see another Upton

But they don’t have Kate

3. Philadelphia Phillies

Vegas win line: 84.5

Prediction: Over

Random Phillie: Todd Pratt

Pressing question: Does Cliff Lee need to go the entire year without allowing a run to get to 10 wins?

Poem:

This team could surprise people

So go place your bets

At the very least

They’ll beat up on the Marlins and Mets

4. New York Mets

Vegas win line: 74.5

Prediction: Under

Random Met: Benny Agbayani

Pressing question: How long before the Mets return to relevance?

Poem:

David Wright is the new captain

So Mets fans need not panic

But he’s leading a helpless ship

Into an iceberg, like Titanic

5. Miami Marlins

Vegas win line: 63.5

Prediction: Under

Random Marlin: Armando Almanza

Pressing question: Can the Marlins match the Heat’s 27-game streak (with losses)?

Poem:

Just as sure as OJ

Was riding in that white Bronco,

Your cleanup hitter shouldn’t be

37-year-old singles-hitting infielder Placido Polanco

NL CENTRAL

1. Cincinnati Reds

Vegas win line: 91.5

Prediction: Over

Random Red: Corky Miller

Pressing question: Could Aroldis Chapman win the Daytona 500?

Haiku:

Choo will be just fine

This team has no weaknesses

Watch out for Votto

2. St. Louis Cardinals

Vegas win line: 86.5

Prediction: Over

Random Cardinal: Ray Lankford

Pressing question: Can Pete Kozma hold down the fort at shortstop all year?

Poem:

The plethora of hitters

In this lineup won’t cease

No easy outs

With Craig, Beltran and Freese

3. Pittsburgh Pirates

Vegas win line: 77.5

Prediction: Under

Random Pirate: Rob Mackowiak

Pressing question: Could Pedro Alvarez hit 50 home runs?

Haiku:

Sorry, Pirates fans

Another year of sadness

Short of .500

4. Milwaukee Brewers

Vegas win line: 80.5

Prediction: Under

Random Brewer: Jeromy Burnitz

Pressing question: Who will regret their new partnership first, the Brewers or Kyle Lohse?

Haiku:

Long year for Brewers

One thing about Milwaukee

Thank goodness for beer

5. Chicago Cubs

Vegas win line: 73.5

Prediction: Under

Random Cub: Brant Brown

Pressing question: Is there a better place to watch a game than Wrigley?

Poem:

This is the year

For the Siders up North

The Cubs will challenge

The Brewers for fourth

NL WEST

1. Los Angeles Dodgers

Vegas win line: 90.5

Prediction: Over

Random Dodger: Darren Dreifort

Pressing question: How high can their payroll go?

Poem:

Out in L.A.,

Where it’s always sunny

They’ll win the division

Thanks to Magic oozing money

2. Arizona Diamondbacks

Vegas win line: 81.5

Prediction: Over

Random Diamondback: Tony Womack

Pressing question: Is Martin Prado a franchise-type player?

Haiku:

They are hard to gauge

Good, but not great, all around

Still, a playoff team

3. San Francisco Giants

Vegas win line: 87.5

Prediction: Under

Random Giant: Marvin Benard

Pressing question: Is there enough offense around Posey and Sandoval?

Poem:

After winning two titles

Many teams get cozy

This team shall fall short

Despite that stud Posey

4. San Diego Padres

Vegas win line: 74.5

Prediction: Over

Random Padre: John Vander Wal

Pressing question: Can Chase Headley repeat his breakout season from a year ago?

Poem:

When Headley and Grandal

Make triumphant returns

A bit of your respect

Bud Black’s team will earn

5. Colorado Rockies

Vegas win line: 71.5

Prediction: Under

Random Rockie: Shawn Chacon

Pressing question: How many games at Coors Field this season will feature more than 20 runs?

Poem:

Last year’s pitching staff

Was downright rotten

As for adding better arms

The Rockies have forgotten

 —————————-

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Tigers

NL Cy Young: Adam Wainwright, Cardinals

AL MVP: Yoenis Cespedes, Athletics

NL MVP: Joey Votto, Reds

AL Wild Card: Rays over Indians

NL Wild Card: Cardinals over D-Backs

ALDS: Tigers over Rays, Angels over Blue Jays

NLDS: Nationals over Cardinals, Reds over Dodgers

ALCS: Tigers over Angels

NLCS: Nationals over Reds

World Series: Nationals over Tigers

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s